making a break for it

that's what i say i'm doing. the break is in no way literal, though. not yet. i've been thinking a lot about marriage and love. as i anticipate the final day of my marriage, i find it a mystery that i ever got to this point. the break is that, going forward, these things look very different to me.

growing up, i always assumed i would get married and have a family - a human family - of my own. i was, for a time, proposed to about once a year. i rejected most of them outright. some took longer. at 20 i was briefly engaged to a cop who, when he pointed his gun at his dog, became my ex. at 26, to an idea guy who was all energy and frenzy and fun. i broke off the engagement when i realized the depth of his madnesses, the fragility of his house of cards. for a time i worried he'd come back for revenge. it's the only time i ever feared someone in that way but i never ever saw or spoke with him again. whew.

since, i've spent a lot of time in situations that would never bear fruit of the marital kind (such as two years at the side of a gravely injured friend - through coma and rehab). to an extent i wonder why. to a larger extent i think i know. there are lists of reasons i won't explore here. lists - plural. i've thought of sitting down with a therapist and seeing how close i come to my own diagnosis. hmmm... i should check into that!

as i look forward (and i am) to being single again, i know that the circumstances under which i would marry again would have to be pretty remarkable. this is liberating. in all this talk of marriage i haven't yet mentioned love. interesting. as much as i'm skeptical of marrying again, i believe a great, enduring love is still possible for me. even probable. as i am free of the social construct that marriage represents to me, it opens doors for the real and true.

for now, i work on making my place in this place. it's good, good, good.