fear as luxury

in looking for a place i might want to live, the subject of safety has come up quite a lot when talking with friends. i have a budget that might preclude a "safe" neighborhood in most instances. this doesn't bother me too much. i used to joke, when a friend would worry over where i was living, that i wasn't so concerned about being robbed because my neighbors would be much more inclined to rob her than me. they knew where i lived.

the other upside of a sketchy living sitch is that i would get the best homemade tamales, fresh from my neighbor's kitchen. she sold them out of the trunk of her car but i intercepted them before they got that far. and i was generally on the same power grid as the police station so was always the first to get power back after a hurricane. lots of other things can be considered good about where i've lived - especially if one has a fondness for pounding bass, brightly painted el dorados, walking the dogs by helicopter searchlight.

the down side of safety concerns is fear. i don't like to live that way. there are real things to fear in the world, big things - one need only look to the elections in iran and all that implies for those people. i had a discussion yesterday with a young mom at work. she operates from a place of fear in many, many things. she fears being alone, she fears talking with strangers, she fears the worst from everyone she meets. i don't judge this but i do wonder what it will create in her life as the years pass.

i've lived alone a lot in my life. i've traveled alone a fair amount, too, even overseas. what i know is that if i meet someone's eye, if i greet someone, if i'm aware of my surroundings, i'm that much safer.

i found a little house that may just be perfect for me. the neighborhood has a bad reputation but the street seems pretty quiet and the houses are spaced apart. it has a fenced yard, two bedrooms, a bright dining room, living room and kitchen. i can live and do work in the same space. i might even be able to take in a roommate if i use the dining room for a studio. it's a little craftsman with a red door that once was adorable and is now a bit shopworn. i can relate.

we'll see if the timing is right on this one. i hope so. in the meantime, i cannot dwell on the fearful things. i find baseless fear to be a luxury of sorts. it can paralyze or make the shadows other than they actually are. i don't have that kind of time.