i have no less than six blog entries in my drafts. every time i try to drag one out and work on it, there's something else to do, someplace else to put my energy. my best thinking happens in the early morning (or late night) hours and, by the time i have a fully formed idea, i'm in a place where i can't do any writing. someplace inconvenient like work...
i think much of this mental log-jam stems from work right now. we're (two of us) in the process of digitizing all account files of a specific type from twenty branches and a seven-year time span. the paper files are disassembled, sorted, scanned, sent to the proper digital storage section, verified page by page to make sure the scan was successful and that each page can be easily found in the system, then reassembled to be put (in fresh new paper folders) into fireproof filing cabinets. there is much staple-pulling and re-stapling.
i'm sure i have lost any audience i had by know. i feel your crushing boredom, really i do. and it has to be done by tomorrow. we found out about the deadline 2.5 weeks ago.
when i came to hot springs, i was sure i could find a reasonable job. maybe a teaching job. salaries here are very low, but then, so is the cost of living comparatively. i work with nice people who spend much of their time bemused by my wide-eyed fish-out-of-water observations. i like them. i'll have been working with them one year in august. at times it seems like ten years. as nice as they are, as a friend would say, they are not my people. and i don't mean that in a negative way - they certainly feel the same about me.
i know jobs are scarce and i'm grateful i have one. there are moments, though, when i feel i'm trading an awful lot. of my heart, of my imagination, of my energy. the challenge here is one of shoveling papers from one spot in the building to another. chasing, chasing, chasing an arbitrary deadline. there is little about it for the mind, for growth. satisfaction must come from a decisive click as the file drawer closes. then, this project will be done - followed soon by a similar one - and nothing in the world will be much better for it. sometimes i have a hard time with that - like this morning.
i know there must be a benefit for someone on earth from what i do today, right? for now, i'll continue to do a good job, i'll stop whining very soon, i'll work on figuring that out. thanks for listening.
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If it's any comfort at all, you are bringing some order to some samll corner of the world and that has meaning to everyone that touches it. And, just maybe, your presence has lightened up that space in Malvern. You always make a difference, without a doubt!
ReplyDeleteheather.. start manifesting that perfect job. make a list of what it looks like. focus your attention on what you do want.. i promise it's there for the taking. xox
ReplyDeleteAs you well know, there is no perfect job. And doing any job well ought to provide a sense of satisfaction. I remember you were concerned that having a more obviously meaningful job such as teaching would take away from your desire to create and make you somehow less artistic or prolific (or something?) Stephen King says he was never so loathe to write as when he taught, since his energy was spent at the end of each day and the end of each week. Maybe there's some truth to that. Would you be less likely to create on your "off" time if you were most satisifed with your work during your "on" time? Would you care?
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like the time to read "The War of Art" Read it once and then read it again right away. You'll never regret it!
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