socializing in a vacuum part deux

i woke up grumpy. this happens approximately once every 3 or 4 months. not bad, on balance. i have a theory that people who wake up in a foul mood on a daily basis are fundamentally unhappy. i married one of those people and, in time, decided not to wake up to that every day ever again. all this to say that i mostly awaken to a bright, possibility-filled place even, or especially, when it's cloudy out. i'm not giddy or foolish about it, though. it is tempered with the understanding that i don't know much and that the best paths are not linear in the least.

i came here last june. here, i failed to mention earlier, is hot springs, arkansas. spa city. i chose the name of this blog because i am not a spa type at all. my idea of hell is to go with a bunch of girlfriends for seaweed wraps and full-body massages by strangers. i can't shut my mind down long enough to enjoy stuff like that. a mani/pedi is my limit and even that requires wine. call it a character flaw. i like the irony of being in a town like this - so spa-centric to the tourists, having come from an area that is so tan-centric to tourists. here i am, the whitest white girl going. i used to joke with my friends that i feared the white of my legs would somehow jam the radar at Palm Beach International Airport and that my appearance on the beach could, quite possibly, make planes fall from the sky.

now, to the present. i had essentially been on a 5-year hiatus from my life, from myself. i'm in the midst of rediscovering what i like/love/want and have found that i've become very discerning about how i spend my time. i'm not interested in cultivating friendships without common ground. maybe this is a reaction to time spent with people i had absolutely no deeper connection with. i don't know. this is at odds with opening myself up to new people, new situations i suppose. i always got 'unsatisfactory' marks for 'uses time wisely' on my childhood report cards. maybe i just don't want those anymore.

prior to my brief, ill-fated stay in south carolina from whence i abandoned my marriage, i lived in a very populated, very busy place. not so long ago i would go out to a bar by myself and run into at least 10 people i knew and enjoyed seeing. i value my time alone and could be alone if i wanted, but i didn't ever have to be. this is in sharp contrast to my life today. i have made a couple of friends now, one of whom is that person here - the one who doesn't ever have to be alone. i don't think envy is what i feel but it is most interesting to be on this, the anonymous side of the equation. it makes me aware of the things i miss, the things i never realized i wouldn't have, if only for a while. i know it will change in time as i meet more people. i know, i know it takes work and risk and waking up to possibility. it probably also takes getting over myself to some degree. yep, i get it.